Pre-opening reflection of 'Charlotte's Web'

I have another free morning and I'm taking full advantage of it: doing laundry, cooking, and writing.  Even though I already wrote something this week, I realized that I wanted to process.  Ok.  So process. Go.

This is kind of a 'repost' from 2 years ago when I first started this blog as a way to track my goals, accomplishments, reflections, and ideas so I don't mess up the same way I did years ago. 2 years ago I was going into my last year of college and had only a few professional theater credits (2?) under my belt.  Time flies when you let it.

I wrote this list of things I learned from the summer and now go back to it every now and then to keep myself in check. Reflection and thoughts on the show I'm just about to put up follows.

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Positive Attitude. 
Simple and something I've heard over and over again growing up, but man oh days is it effective.  I was so much happier and efficient at work (i.e. rehearsals) when I jumped into with no scoffs or rolling of the eyes (yes mom, rolling of the eyes). 

Love of all.
Similar to having a positive attitude: having a positive outlook on the people you work with.  Every person I worked with this summer was great. But there were some who did not see the good in a lot of them, or they just chose to look past it at all the faults.   How can I work alongside you if A. I think you're stupid, or B. I know that you think I'M stupid? Best to just chose to not see the worst in everyone, even if they never did get their lines right.

You can't please everyone.
But you can sure try.

Apply, Apply, Apply.
This is the reason you spent $80,000 on your education.  Unless spending that much money you don't have gives you joy.  I found most of the things I did instinctively were the things I learned in High School from Talashia K-Yoder.  The college stuff I had to purposefully apply.  This also is closely related to Know your old habits and Constantly reevaluate your art. 

Give.
No matter how hard I was working at my own character, or lines, or projection, I had to give to the others on stage.  This company also liked the actor to give to the audience by turning out and speaking very clearly: a good tool to helping the audience understand, but not nearly as effective as fully committing yourself to everyone in the room. If I wanted to really know what my fellow actor was saying, the audience would be right there listening intently as well.

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Positive attitude: Sure. I worked with a smile most of the time. I like to think it was all the time but there were definitely those days after working 10 hours and driving all night from Kansas that didn't do much for my positive-ness.  Always there are excuses. This is something I've worked harder on the last 2 weeks. 

Love of all: Again, I have loved every bit of this process and group of professionals that have worked on it. Have I showed it? Hopefully.  Have I faked it? Maybe. But I find when I fake something enough it has more potential to become a reality.

Apply: Yep. Stole a lot from a lot of mentors/educators/friends/geese/pigs. I also learned during it as I have not done huge amounts of children's theater.

Give. I can always give more. I would like to work on this as we continue tech today all the way through closing in August. Giving is one of those things that should never be tiring.  Its a muscle I need to exercise more. 

Let's hit the giving gym!

Taking time

I have given myself 10 minutes to write this update.

I'll comment on the paradox between this post's title and the first sentence later on, but first: a bit about where I've been and what I've done recently.

I am currently in tech for Emerald City Children's Theatre's Charlotte's Web which is awesome.  (check it out here)Because our techs are during the day (10-6) I had to take off work all week. We open Saturday morning and I've loved the process, people and show this has turned out to be.  The show is at the Broadway Playhouse which is part of the Broadway in Chicago series/venues and I have to admit I've loved being in a large space again.  Its been a while.  On top of Charlotte's Web, I've been trying to jump in on rehearsals for Urinetown with a small company that I have - once again - loved immensely.  I say trying because I've only gone to a couple rehearsals due to Emerald City's opening earlier.  But I will start going more regularly (starting tonight) and will no doubt love it even more.

I love being busy and going going going.  But are these 14 hour days killing me slowly? Probably.

I recently spoke to a friend of mine who told me I have to make time.  I've only known her a few months but she could tell that I needed it. Well: wake up call.  So I've been trying to do less and enjoy it. And to find the moments that I can reboot.  So I decided to make a list for myself (below) of how I take time for myself and rejuvenate.

-run
-yoga
-play piano (Liszt and Brahms especially)
-blog in a cafe
-hang out with brothers
-scrub the floors
-cook
-stretch
-pick up a new hobby
-sit at the beach or park or anywhere outside
-water my plants
-read blogs
-shop for gifts for other people
-go to a show

And now I have to cut my list short cause my 10 minutes is way up. Off to tech then rehearsal!

Art vs Reality

"You left the cap off the toothpaste.  I can't deal with this.  I'm gone."

Always gnawing at the back of my mind is the question of my place in the world and how I interact with it.  I would say its a blanket statement for most humans (especially those of a Christian-Mennonite(?) background-being 'in the world but not live of it' 2 Cor 10:3), but I can't be so certain.  I will speak for myself as that is what I am most well-versed in.  I overheard the beginning phrase in passing as a woman was reaming some person on the phone on the bus westbound on Roosevelt a few weeks ago.

I've made it a practice to discover great interactions or words that I've observed on public transportation and write them down on a list of 'just bits'.  Not only does it make my commute go faster, but it exercises my imagination and tunes my ear. In the early morning and 5 o'clock rush hour when the sardines stand quietly waiting their turn to shuffle off the train, I make back stories for them (once I did it for each person in the entire car-the simple pleasures of life).  I think it is my way of humanizing the randos that I meet (or ignore) in every day life.  Its hard to spend a large part of your day inches away from people you know absolutely nothing about!

My art right now is business. I am seeking out what makes me most hire-able, what will secure the best part for me, what tools will market me best, what my tools are that make me marketable, who can help me, who can hurt me; the list is endless. So where is the 'show' in 'show business'? I think at this point in my career it is inevitable that much of the attention is toward monologues and cold reads and website prep and on and on.

But there is story freaking everywhere.

Sometimes I think that my art would be useless if people opened their eyes and pulled their earbuds out and saw and listened.

Anna Deveare Smith in her book 'letters to a young artist' talks about art vs reality and what the differences are (p123-130).  I don't know why I landed on this chapter in particular, but it intrigues me: especially with the day-to-day observations I've found joy in. She says a lot that's poignant and great (as usual), but I believe her crux of the section comes here:

"Art has a frame; it has a form.  I don't know if life, or reality, has such a frame.  There is order to how we are as living organisms, but is there a frame?  Some would say yes.  Others would say it's random.  The real question is, why do you ask the question?" (p126)

Art is beautifully biased. The artist is the frame.  Storytellers are needed for perspective. She continues after a brief rant:

"An Artist is a collector of life's moments, a memorizer of its images. Yet art is always much more than the sum of its parts.  It always gets right to our souls; it gets right to our core values - values we didn't even know we had." (p128)

Holla. I think I knew this already but sometimes the right words clear things up that are too dusty to understand (oh, hello again art).

So is the act of stepping back and observing people and hearing voice an act of art as well?

"No, because art requires more than the ability to step back....It requires that you make something else exist that is a representation of what your feeling is." (p129). 

I feel like I need to draw a picture of this to enjoy it more. But goodness knows I would fail miserably.

I'll continue to observe and love it. And I can't wait to represent my feelings about those little bits. Art! Yay!

 

a full lull in may

I have been awful about keeping up on this stupid blog and I apologize to the people who actually read this.  I still can't quite believe that anyone actually does read it.  So I'm going to do a quick update and then a quick meditation on some things that I have been chewing on lately.

Things are going well for me.  I closed my first Chicago show, got some great auditions for great theaters, met some more awesome people, accompanied auditions, moved in with my brother and cousin to a new apartment, and booked a few more shows for this year!  I will be starting rehearsals for 'Charlotte's Web' at Emerald City Children's Theatre in June and opening downtown at the Broadway Playhouse in July just in time to start up rehearsals with Awkward Pause Theatre's 'Urinetown'.  I have a few months aside after 'Urinetown' goes up in August and before I start Emerald City's Christmas show, also downtown.  I am thrilled to be in all.  Emerald City is a great company that is doing great work in the city and treats their actors very well.  It pays which is always a plus and is a kids show that will allow me to do something I haven't been able to do in a show for a while: play the cello. I'm ecstatic to be in 'Urinetown' as the director (Elana Boulos) is someone I've been wanting to work with since first coming to the city, and I will be in the ensemble which is something I've wanted to do ever since I first saw the show.  The Christmas show seems way to far off to have any sort of opinion on the matter, but its nothing short of a miracle that I have booked myself through January.  And I am deeply grateful and humbled by it all.

All this happened in April.  And then I moved to a quiet apartment with a nice living space and a nice kitchen and big windows. This quiet time before the craziness that will be my summer is immensely needed.  There are some stresses concerning scheduling and finances and other logistics that come with the 'starving artist' card, but my tea filled mornings and evening runs have created space that before I tried to fill with 'stuff'.  Perspective is something I feel as an artist is sometimes lost.  Now, I know this is a little bit of a paradox as an artist is sometimes the best purveyor of perspective , but I sometimes think that I spend too much time actively seeking out how 'the world is perceived' in a broad sense, instead of me - now - experiencing the world so I can let others in on that experience on stage/camera. (I wrote this blog last November and looked at a portion of a play that deals with self awareness of the artist.) Details are what make a person.  Auditions and first-time-greetings only see so much, so it is important for me to discover the ongoing intricacies of my self that make up the full of me.

I'm trying to listen more and wait more.

When I first got here I wanted to soak up as fast as I could: now I think it is time for me to love where I'm at and love the world that is created with me - not the ideal world I'd like to create.

Also I'm turning 24 soon - which is just bizarre to me.

Wait, I'm in Chicago? When did that happen?

Every now and then I get this overwhelming feeling of graciousness and awe because of where I am.  It usually happens as I am crossing the river into the Loop for an audition or something. When I realize that my dream of living in a big city is an actuality, I get kinda tingly inside.

This only happens a few times a month though, and the rest of that month I have to spend trying to stay optimistic and hopeful for all those other dreams to be an actuality.  I've been hard on myself the past few months and scolded myself because I haven't hit the 'optimal' actor's dream of being forever employed in a large theater or film company getting regular gigs.  So I've recently tried to spot those moments of astonishment in my own work.  A bit of a recap of my "successes," if not to get you up to date then to help my disposition:  I grabbed a full time job to pay rent.  I was offered a job as ballroom dance instructor (what?). I auditioned fervently for the past 3 months.  I signed with an agent. I have my Chicago (albeit small) stage debut opening on March 20 (Check out the theater and purchase tickets here: http://www.benevolenttheatre.com). I started a film class downtown at Acting Studio Chicago entitled, Advanced film Techniques for the Professional Actor (sounds fancy so I had to include it). I've auditioned for 2 of the large house theaters downtown. And lastly but certainly not least: I've met some really cool people: actors, directors, cooks, pastry chefs, retirees, dancers, Pilates instructors, book store clerks, baristas and so many more.

I think I am a better person when I keep thinking about what I have done and who I have met, instead of what I wish to do, or who I want to meet.

On Really Messing up

I have been hitting the audition circuit hard these past few weeks.  It has been crazy busy managing a full time job with a very full audition schedule.  Some auditions were film/commercial and booked through my agent (whew, still feels bizarre to say) --they actually lowered the stress level because I have no idea what I'm doing anyways so I don't know if I'm doing something wrong-- and others were ones I had been called in to or submitted for. I've been extremely lucky that I have so many opportunities to try and show what I can do. But with a greater margin for success also comes a greater margin for error. One of the many great mess-ups follows:

One audition in particular I had submitted for my heart was not totally in.  I got called in literally the day I submitted and had to prepare a piece I had never heard before that was way out of my range. I apologized told them I couldn't do it (not like me at all-it was very hard to come to terms with that fact) and thought I was good to go.  They called me in for the next day. So of course I couldn't turn it down twice. I went in despite my low confidence and pessimism.  Sure enough it was just as awful as I thought. It started with tripping up the stairs to the audition room.  Thank goodness I didn't hurt myself, but as I was running up the steps I slipped, fell, laughed heartily at myself, then kept going.  I'm sure they heard. I walked into the room, did my 'hello, thanks for seeing me! Its great to meet you!' and promptly ran into a low hanging... .something. Still not sure what it was. Thankfully they had copies of the excerpts we were supposed to prepare, but unfortunately they were not stapled.  So of course, halfway through the song I got lost and dropped pages and I had no idea where I was.  The music director just said 'I think we've heard enough'. Thank. Goodness. It was over.  Actually, just kidding ''Jay do you want to do the second cutting now?" (what? there was a second song?..... woops.) Me: "Yes, I'd love to." I then sight-read through a Jason Robert Brown song(for those of you who don't know, his music is terribly hard to sight-read) I had never heard in my life. Ended on a last high note, then immediately turned to the accompanist and completely reactionary (and quite impressed with myself) said ''was that the right note?".  Of course it could go no worse than it had already so I thanked them and left. The whole thing was like a scene out of Submissions Only.

I didn't get called back. Surprisingly.  But I did walk away with a few realizations.  Firstly: dear my Jay Mast please don't forget to prepare!  For so long I've coasted here, forgetting that if I really want something I need to work. Hard. For it. So if that means short nights and less Netflix then so be it! Secondly: It is ok to mess up. Life goes on, more opportunities arise, and plus you get more joy out of life if you find things funny.  What's funnier than your own screw-ups?!

This past week, however, was nicer to me. I prepared more and had great opportunities: went to O'Connor Casting for an audition for the first time, got some good callbacks/cold reads in, and just booked my first show in Chicago with Benevolent Theatre in "Spoon River".

More to come soon.