saying yes

sometimes i want to huddle into a tiny ball and not let any world in
but then i would just be a little salty olive

then there are other times when i think i should go cold turkey quit my job and depend on the good lord to give me enough gigs to keep me employed
but then again there is little joy or productivity in putting blinders on yourself

i think if self is determined by both nature and nurture
it is my responsibility to nurture my nature by saying yes


the final question
can yes ever be detrimental

thank you e e cummings for paving the way for this post

Life takes time

Yesterday I had the experience (of a lifetime?) to accompany an audition at the Goodman Theatre.

Ok. That sounds like I'm bragging and really its just playing the piano while someone else is auditioning - but never in my life did I imagine I would be sitting at the piano being a fill-in accompanist at such a large theater.

Life is just weird sometimes. I can work my butt off trying to find work, and gigs, and 'art' and at the same time, opportunities can just fall right into my lap.

I pass this very small (about 1 inch square) graffiti on a door by the street every day on my way to work that reminds me:

Literally, life is eating up time as we go along: don't sit around waiting-it'll be gone before you know it!

Alternately, life does not happen all at once. It takes some time before it gets exciting. Patience, friend.

How do YOU find the balance between patience and actively seeking out 'life'?

another untitled one.

This post has no insight, no words of wisdom from Ms Smith, no glorious update of my acting 'career'; so if that is what you came for, I offer my most sincere apologies.  

I just finished (for the umpteenth time) reading Catherine Butterfield's "Joined at the Head": a play that I always thought to be about a woman who has cancer and how her husband deals with it.  The juicy bit of conflict rises right away where Jim's high school lady-friend arrives in time and continually comments and processes with the audience about Jim's marriage and his wife's failing condition. As I previously mentioned, I always thought the play was 'about' strength and courage and everything that couples 'deal' with when they're faced with cancer.  But as you can probably guess by now: I was wrong. I don't know what the ultimate theme is- I'm still trying to figure it out.  But there is a line in the play that struck me especially (I took the liberty of attributing it closer to the theater world): 

"I think it's a writer [actor, director, and so on] thing.  You spend all your time looking at other people's lives, you get out of the habit of looking at your own.

No, that's not it.

It's not? 

I don't think so.

(Pause) No. I'm afraid if I look, I'll see someone I really don't like at all."

Ok so it is kinda far out there and I want to saw that I can't totally relate this to my own life, but it is an interesting thought.  I believe that the artist's work is supposed to reflect.  So this means observation in order to send back the images, words, actions, relations, etc. Do we choose to see? Or are situations, images, conversations just thrust at us and we make sense of them in our own way in our own little worlds?  And how can we be objective about our own lives and experiences when we are completely consumed by them? I think my main question here is do we generate 'art' based on our own personal experiences or by our reactions to an outside imagery? 

I think the caffeine is getting to me - I'm creating blog-barf.

Read the play: my thematic material in this post is just a portion of what the play really is. 

Keeping the faith

Good grief.

Have I really gone this long with this amount of crazies to write about?! The three of you who are reading this are saying, "Yes. Jay, yes you have".

Quick update for those of you who I have been an awful friend/family member to: After finishing up a season at Summer Stock near Indianapolis, I started to gather myself to move to Chicago. I arrived hear in September, landed a job within a few weeks at the place that I wanted (it took lots of interviewing-turns out, job applications are fun! who knew! [not]) and am living comfortably with two roommates that I just met but turned out to be pretty neat. That's the short of it-so if you want more juicy details, by all means: read on.

Since September I've been auditioning here and there for shows and theater companies that twinged my interest, but I'm not really serious about getting into one this early (or maybe that's just an excuse for my failure to book anything). I have really enjoyed dabbling in the audition scene here in Chicago and rubbing shoulders with people who I expect to work with and see on stage some day. The theater world is very small here, so finding people to network with has proved easier than I thought it would be.  This whole waiting thing has been all fine and dandy until recently. Yesterday recently.  I had a great coffee with a coworker of Vanessa Hofer who gave me excellent advice on starting out in the Chicago theater scene.  Oh, there's that familiar itch. So now I have turned my sights once again to that wonderfully terrible career of mine: theater.

Now before I delve into some wonderful Anna Deveare Smith again, I should tell a bit of what I've been up to since I moved.  As I said, I got a dream job at "The Spice House" which is a wonderful artisan spice shop in Old Town that sells bulk spices to restaurants, cooks, novices, and rich people who need to fill their huge kitchens somehow.  Its the type of job that keeps me moving and on my feet all day (no office job-thank goodness!), as well as falling in line with my hobbies.  I have always loved to cook and working at this small shop lets me give cooking advice to some really wonderful people.  I am probably the most inexperienced employee there, as most have been employed in a kitchen and been to culinary school.  So I try hard to make up for it with oodles of charm.  I'm sure my facade does not go unnoticed however. Charisma is powdered sugar: looks harmless but its actually a huge sticky mess.

And onto Job #2. Well. not really anymore.  A few weeks ago I was called by a ballroom dance studio that I had applied to be a desk manager at.  They wanted me to come in to interview for a dance instructor position.  I went. And for the past few weeks I have been taking lessons to become a professional Ballroom instructor and compete in local and national competitions.  Talk about feeling under qualified!  But the instructors there were great and I learned very quickly which gave me a bit of confidence. I have just recently decided not to take it, however,  as it seems like a huge jump into a completely different vocation than what I really want.  It was a hard one though: better pay, dance job, travel, better pay, did I mention the pay was a lot better?  But in the end, I know I need to keep the faith and push forward to what I really want in life: to experience people in the world of theater. Its hard to see now if its a sacrifice, or just something that was inevitable.

I'm finding that my attention and love for novelty has run rampant in the city.  I decided I needed to pick up ADS' book again (letters to a young artist), and of course: she had something for me.  Its a short one, but so timely.

"No doubt about it, more important than the race and the fight is faith.  Whatever that means, spiritual or otherwise.  It's crucial to keep the faith.  Never stop believing.  
Faith requires discipline and a lot of imagination."
-ADS

Faith and imagination are paradoxical.  Faith in the city of huge amounts of opportunity is tricky.  I'm talking about two kinds of faith here.  My two main faiths in life: faith in God-the lovely spirit and excruciating joy, and faith in myself-faith I will be humble midst selling my art and (hopefully) landing roles.  Faith means making decisions based on belief.  Never before in my life have I had to make more potentially life-altering decisions than right now.  Which is frightening, yet very exciting.  Faith means potential.  And inversely Faith is kinetic.

The next week I am striving for more purposefully faith-driven choices, using discipline and imagination: the result of which is - I think - discernment.

There. I hope that made up for the months of negligence.